By Chris Namon, Special to Legmanla.com

Pastor Tony Alamo of “New Jerusalem,” Texas has exploited the evangelical potential of automotive windshields across the United States the past fourty years; some of our earliest, fondest memories are of reading his free literature’s conspiracy theories and general wackiness. So when Alamo (Bernie Lazar Hoffman) was sentenced last month to 175 years in prison for transporting young girls across state lines for sex, we were shaken: would this be the death of yet another print newspaper?

But just as the Lord delivered a pillar of flame to the Israelites, we too were provided with hope on a recent morning. Plastered to our Volvo in 120 point type the message read” TONY ALAMO INNOCENT- NEW EVIDENCE FOUND.”

Could it be true? Could a release be imminent? In the pages of what may be their greatest issue ever -printed on pricey glossy stock- the new evidence was presented. Primarily focused on the clarity of the judge?s instructions to the jury, the Alamoites conclude “juries have been wrong many times. Tony’s jury was wrong!” Several letters and affidavits from some of his closest supporters, dated as recently as 1984, also attest to the innocence and character of Pastor Alamo, notably Letter from Desiree to a Chinese Busboy (much better than Letter from Desiree to Eminem). Nevertheless, we remain anxious and urge all Alamoites, please fight for your venerable leader! We need your paper, for it is truly the last (the Onion recently stopped its LA print edition), to maintain our tenuous grasp of childlike play and wonder. While our editor speculates it offers coded messages for domestic espionage action, Alamo’s paper really is the highest-browed surrealist nonsense evangelist money can buy. Is this your last hurrah Pastor Alamo? Say it ain’t so! If however, you’ve ended your run, we look forward to the prison blog.